How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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