It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
