i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
