Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
