I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
