In the future we'll all be gay
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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