please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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