Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
