my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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