I wish you could order shots online.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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