Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
