My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize