Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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