I will die if light touches me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
