i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
