Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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