Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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