I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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