this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
