Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
