so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
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I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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