Your dad touched me again.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
