Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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