I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
