I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
