I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
