i permit you to call me
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
