last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
