sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
