Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
