when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
