I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
