Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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