So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
