i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize
