He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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