Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
