I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
