woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
