Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
