so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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