Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize