it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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