so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
