I can tuck mytits in my pants
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
