I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
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We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
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Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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