Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
