sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
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jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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