SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
