What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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