Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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