She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
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Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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