Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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