Just cropdusted the office
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
